My first KK post was playful. But now a serious one. I do expect this to be a very sensitive question, and not just for moms and women, but also for men...particularly fathers.
If you feel the need to reply to anyone else's comments with whom you disagree, DO keep it respectful. Address what was said. Do NOT attack the individual personally. Speak with respect and love even as you disagree.

WOMEN
Imagine you are pregnant (unless you're actually with child, then you can skip this step). At any point during the pregnancy, you go in for a check-up and the doctor discovers some very unsettling news. He informs you that a complication has arisen unforeseen and that to continue with the pregnancy may end your life very soon. The only way, the doctor says, to save your life is to have an abortion.

What do you do? Do you save yourself or do you accept that death is closer than expected?

MEN
You have just heard the news from your wife/girlfriend that she at risk of dying because of a complication in the pregnancy. She tells you what the doctor told her - abortion is the only way to save her life.

Men, this is a tricky one, for sure. Whether she is your wife or your girlfriend, there is still the fact that we are dealing with your woman and your baby. Your own life isnt' at stake, but the lives of the ones you love are. How will you respond?

The freedom to choose can never be legislated. But we must be very careful in deciding what we, as a nation, will decide to legalize. When we legalize something, we are saying that, within this country, there are no negative effects upon which we will heap upon you if you decide to do this...whatever "this" might be. This legalized thing might even come with extra benefits, supplied by the government.

But just because it has been made legal by the government doesn't mean it's right. It doesn't mean that that which we deem beneficial is beneficial.

The right to choose does not eliminate the fact that choices have consequences - good or bad.

You cannot escape an effect when there is a cause.

So tell me, Mr President. As you seek to uphold the freedom of choice, what are you doing about the consquences of those choices will...give birth to?

Tinkerbell never really meant anything more to me than a classic Disney character for 20+ years of my life.
But now she is one of the most important symbols ever to grace my heart. Her mannerisms, her smile, and her character in many ways are...like a mirror to someone I hold dear in my heart.

Rebekah. A red-headed girl with a heart of gold. A passionate lover of friends and family. Often expressing her thoughts and affection through detailed creative projects...for one of which she locked herself in her bedroom for several hours in order to complete. Always thinking and absorbing information (though she struggled with spelling up to the last that I spent time with her) and an avid reader and fan of fantasy books (including the Tinkerbell stories). She loved being involved with things. This included an undying and sometimes overzealous desire to be at the center of attention...but she almost always took correction with humilty. And that humility is going to serve her well, because she is also a born leader. Passionate about jumping into anything that sparks her interest, she is ready with ideas and questions, and eager to get underway and to take charge. She, like her mother, is a go-getter and project/goal-oriented. And ever the delightful little lady with a smile that will melt the hardest of hearts. (This is why Tinkerbell reminds me so much of Bekah - they almost have the same exact smile...not to mention the same temper!) She has a most beautiful operetic voice. Even as young as five she could sing like the birds and made me and her mom stop and listen, fascinated and in awe of our young little girl. She has even "published" and illustrated her own book...a gift she gave me that I keep with me in my notebook in which I'm writing my own book in. A five-paged story of three knights who fight a giant dragon to rescue three princesses...and they all get married in the end. I wish I knew what was going through her mind when she wrote it, but it is my most prized treasure from my daughter...my daughter, Red, as I called her. My beautiful Red.

I've always been a fan of the Pixar movies.
I saw Cars back when it was released in 2006 (or was it 2005?). It's been my all-time favorite (Pixar) movie ever since.
And ever since one fateful day, Lightning McQueen and all things Cars has been a reminder of something I've treasured ever since that day.

My son...Joshua. Fellow video game enthusiast (he can talk about an exciting new game from start to finish, descibe every boss battle and throw in "it's SOOO cool!" after every sentence, and drink a glass of chocolate milk all in one breath) and a boy with a knight's heart. Were it not for the facts of genetics, I could almost swear he really was my son. We share a love for Cars and Spider-Man. We both get easily wrapped up into cartoons or video games and almost become oblivious to the world around us (drove his mother NUTS when I did that...which is why I never played my GameCube for a very long time...it was my gift to say, "You're more important."). I still remember a picture his mom showed me early in our relationship of Josh kissing his baby sister's forehead while she slept on the couch...very gently so not to wake her up. This boy often is afraid to show any emotion, to be weak or to risk failing. But, oooh, when he allows himself, he is more noble and stronger that green-skinned Hulk. The war in Iraq would be DONE and over with had our military the proportional strength this boy has. Before me, he had virtually no decent father role model, yet his passion to respecting women his 2nd-to-none. He is only eight now, too. He is more of a man than most males on this planet. I would stake my life on that fact. He always made me proud. Always made me overjoyed that he looked up to me and that he was my Big Boy.

The qualities that make a girl a princess are not dependent upon the royal status of her parents, but rather that of her heart. And with every picture of a princess, namely the Disney princesses, I'm reminded of the most precious princess I have ever known. And she made me feel like the most blessed king ever to have lived.

Emma...a princess if ever there was one. She lived up to my nickname for her ("Princess") whether it was for better or for worse. A beautiful blonde child who could capture your attention with one truly innocent pose (her mom and I swore she could be a model without any effort). She has a grin that makes you think she has some silly, maybe sarcastic, thought going through mind. Always lively and imaginitive (very much like her sister). Emma's honesty was always innocent...infact, so honest that the very way she said things left us in hysterical fits of laughter. (I think sometimes she intended it that way.) She was very slow to open up to me when she first met me at the age of two...but eventually, there came times when I couldn't keep her from latching onto my legs because all she wanted was Daddy-Michael. (She was, in fact, the first one to refer to me as "daddy" long before I even met her mom in person!) She is devoted with all her heart to the ones she loves. She is dedicated and loves to help and will give it her all when she puts her heart into something. Like her sister, she could also be an actress if either of them chose that profession. Her outgoing nature and creativeness would easily endear her to anyone's hearts and without deception of genuine character. Of all three kids, Emma was perhaps the most stubborn. But nothing could ever change that she was my Princess who made me truly proud to be a daddy.
...She's also the one I would likely buy a shotgun for when she's old enough to date...

The thing is...
...I miss "my" kids...
I miss being their "Daddy-Michael", as they called me.
I had one of the greatest gifts a man could hope for...but nearly one year ago, ALL of that...changed.

One year ago next-December, my ex-fiance, Sharon, broke up with me. Many of my older Xanga friends will know this event well. It was almost all I ever blogged about for quite a while. Losing the woman I wanted to marry shook my world and challenged me to either let my life crumble or to do what I should have done while I was still with her. I opted for the latter, hoping that I might be able to win her back, but also because I just knew it was what I needed to do. ... Suffice to say, my hopes failed. And along with them, any chance of once again seeing the children I loved so much. "Loved"? Still love. Ooooh the number of times I have broken down in tears because of how much I miss them. It's painful enough thinking of how, for two and a half years, I was with the most beautiful and wonderful woman I had ever known. And because of our issues (individually and as a couple) that we just were not able to get over, it finally got to a point where it was too much pain to continue. My ex has since re-married and is almost due with her and her husband's first child. While I miss her, I know her life now is as it should be. I know we really weren't as good for each other as we both wanted.
The pain of missing her, though, dulls compared to how much I miss the children I called "my own" for a time...three kids who called me their daddy (sometimes verbally) in their hearts. Because of these three kids, I learned the joys of being a dad. Because of them, they gave me a dream-come-true: I had KIDS of...my own. I had three very uniqe, loving, beautiful (handsome for Josh), creative, playful, and DELIGHTFUL kids who let me into their hearts. Who kept me in their hearts even though I had to learn how to be a dad in very short order (I had to stuff 2 to 5 years of missed parenting experience with them into a matter of months). I messed up a LOT.

At work, I'm in the electronics department 99% of the time. Because of the merchandice having all sorts of Disney characters (the movies, namely), I see Lightning McQueen, Tinkerbell, and the rest of the Disney princesses all the time. On the TVs, there is a DVD ad that is on repeat, showing previews of new movies and games...one of which is the latest Tinkerbell movie. I see it dozens of times every day.
One one endcap (the end of the shelving that makes up each aisle) there is a box of Mater as an alarm clock and in the back next to the TVs, there is a Lightning McQueen-themed TV (it's litterally shaped like him, with the TV screen where his eyes would be). And of course, I have three games of Cars for my Nintendo DS which I enthusiastically played until I beat each one.
On the DVD ad there is also a preview for the re-release of Snow White. And in the DVD aisle, it's hard to miss the Disney princesses movies. (Emma loved to dress up as Cinderella.)
And the farthest end of the other department I have to cover, there is a section with various merchandise for Hannah Montana (believe it or not, I actually liked her movie...please take a moment to catch your breath and let the shock die down before continuing with my post here), Cars, Tinkerbell, and the Disney princesses. In the socks section which is directly across from electronics, there are many themed socks which have print designs of - you guessed it - Tink, Cars, and the princesses.

Every day...I am reminded of the children I loved...still love...and long for every minute that I breathe.
Countless times I see something in the store that I just WISH I could buy and send to them. (I'll not go into details, but there are reasons why I have not sought to do such things...Sharon and I discussed it a long while back. Still, the desire remains.) I want to tell them, personally, "I've not forgotten about you. You're still so important to me and I LOVE YOU!"

Were it not for my male tendancies to stuff my emotions, I'd be flooding my lap with tears as I write this. My heart breaks every time I remember how much I have lost. I'm filled with fear when I stop to think of all the things I will not be able to teach them (but I know with their new step-dad, they are in good care...God does provide!). All the promises I made them that I have quite simply broken because I didn't do all I could do and should have done while dating their mom. My stubborness, selfishness and other "private" sins cost them the pain of losing a man they loved probably more than their real dad! They wanted me to marry their mom SO badly. And...in short (to spare a lengthy explanation)...I threw it all away because of my mistakes. My selfish mistakes. (Sharon had her own issues that only added to our problesms, but I'm not here to pass blame, too.)

I was a DADDY!!! ...I was a daddy... I...was...a daddy...
Right now...I feel like a nobody. An empty shell. The space inside me that once had the title of "dad" is now filled with fleeting memories and echoes of the wind that passes through as there is nothing there to stop anything else from taking up the space. My kids did not define me. No. But it was a title I held with honor and pride and joyful disbelief that somehow I had become a dad in three children's eyes.

I stood up in church on Father's Day once as the pastor encouraged the congregation to take a moment to honor us... Us dads. I never felt more proud and more out of my element. At that moment, I was not some floundering male struggling to make something of my life with a good job and/or education. I didn't have to earn this - I couldn't. I had this chance to stand because three kids looked at me with their hearts, and in their eyes, they said, "DAD!"

My church held a several-month-long weekly group meeting to encourage fellow dads on how to raise their sons to be strong, mature boys of God and how to raise them to be MEN of God. I was the youngest man there at 26. My son was 200+ miles away. I had relatively no clue what I was doing. My knowledge came from listening to Christian family radio programs and paying attention to the errors that my dad made with me and vowing to never make those mistakes myself....a vow I struggled to keep with all my heart. And as I sat at those meetings, I couldn't help but to feel like a little boy (litterally) who was somehow accepted into manhood by a technicality. A good technicality, but still... I wanted so much to be the man who ushered his son closer and closer into manhood. To do for my Big Boy what my father never did for me. (A fact I still struggle with, too.)

I wanted to be the man who saw my daughters grow into beautiful young women. To be there for them to offer protection, guidance...and a hidden shotgun when they brought a young man home to meet with her parents. To be the man who told them that they are beautiful JUST BECAUSE!!! With no hidden motives. No unfair biases. Just love that will never seek their harm. Love that would always guide them and help them to find their place in the world and to not be afraid. To be the man they knew they could wrap around their finger just by calling me Dad. hee hee Just because they were MY little girls.

I didn't care if my son would want to play football - a sport I really don't care much about - if he was ready to get out on that field, I'd be the craziest team fan there was! Dressed up in the team colors with body paint and selling authentic souveniers! Why? When I don't care for football? Because my SON would, and I wanted him to know that he would ALWAYS have my support. He would ALWAYS know that he could not fail in my eyes if he just TRIES. That I believe in him just to see him go at it. I would cheer for him if all he ever got to do was crash into the other team to give the quarterback a chance to throw the ball before getting creamed.
Whatever my son wanted to be, he would have his dad right there cheering him on as he grew up.

The same would go for my daughters. I wouldn't miss a play if they were in one. I wouldn't dare skip a recital even if they were prone to making lots of mistakes. I miss playing "tea" and "house" with them...oh, how I wish I had played MORE when I had the chance. To encourage them to dream and enjoy life. What a joy that would be. To just reach out and hug them close and tell them I love them just because!!! What greater gift is there than that?

I once was a dad. I know I may have children of my own, one day. My own flesh and blood. And I am so eager for that blessing.
But I don't think anything could "replace" the three children who changed my life forever. The children who gave me the richest taste of a dream I have had since before any of them were ever concieved in their mother's womb.

I may not be in their lives anymore.
But they will always be in mine.

Rebekah, Joshua, and Emma... I love you. I miss you. Thank you for letting me your daddy for a little while. Thank you for being my daughters and my son. You have made me the proudest man I never knew I could be. I didn't know just how much I HAD when I had you.
I love you.
Please be good. And please keep Jesus in your hearts. (He loves you, too! But you know that.)