Saturday, 20 June 2009

• Wedding bells...no, not mine

  Today is the day I've been..."waiting" for for the last 4+ months.
  I knew it was coming. I never denied it. For a time I hoped and prayed..."against" it.
  But all the while I asked for God's best. It wasn't what I wanted, per se, but it was God's best. I'm not complaining at all.

  Today is the day I tried to forget was coming.
  Because it was like a reminder of what I have fought for so long.
  Those lies that said I wasn't good enough. I knew they were lies, but they scream so loud that it's hard to hear the truth.

  Today is the day that pounds in my chest like a bass drum.
  Because I am reminded of what joy I had for a time, but is no longer mine. And the memories sting.
  I'm not bitter. I'm not even jealous (I think...I hope). It just hurts. Deeply. That another man gets to share who I had known so deeply for a time.

  Today, Sharon gets married. But not to me.

  I had drawn out countless designs of the wedding ring I wanted to have created for her.
  I spent hours pondering what could make it perfect.
  Staring at the paper. Imaginging how to make radiate with my love that I held for her.
  Something that said, I am thinking of you and love you, even when I was not presently with her.

  But now that design sits in a box with the last few trinkets that I felt were worth saving.
  One day soon I will have to look through that box and muster the courage to let it all go.
  But not the kids. No, they were "my" children, too, for a time. And I was a dad. No, I will keep those things.

  I can hear Sharon's laughter still. It's distant and faint. A memory slipping away.
  I can see her tongue poking through her teeth with a giddy smile of radient happiness bubbling from her heart. Such a sight to see. Such joy.
  Today, she will no longer be Sharon Kroll. She will taken on the name of a good man. A man who truly loves her.
  A man who compliments her heart and character the way she needs and wants.
  Early on, I asked him to take care of Sharon and to love her better than I did. I never got a reply. But he did so anyway.
  He would have even if I never asked.

  I can hear Sharon's heart. I knew it well.
  Today, she will live happy and free with a good man. Her children will be with a good dad.

  Sharon, if you read this today...if you for some reason happen to read this...please know and believe me that I am happy for you.
  Go to your man. Walk down that aisle with your head high and joyful. Don't you dare take your eyes from his.
  And remember what I told you. Do you remember? You doubted me often...I understand why you did. I'm not mad.

  Do you remember?

  Dreams do come true. Now dear Tresses, go live your dream! Go with my blessings. You always had them.

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